


When you left life stopped but I had to keep moving

by harryisqueen



Category: Riverdale (TV 2017)
Genre: F/F, Grief/Mourning, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Suicide Attempt, choni
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-07
Updated: 2019-10-07
Packaged: 2020-11-26 14:57:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,804
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20932112
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/harryisqueen/pseuds/harryisqueen
Summary: Toni awoke at 4:30 am to her phone buzzing.Even through her sleepy haze, she was confused as to why Jughead was calling her this early.“Hello?” She answered.“Toni where’s Cheryl.”





	When you left life stopped but I had to keep moving

**Author's Note:**

> TW: Suicide
> 
> 1-800-273-8255
> 
> 1-800-273-8255
> 
> 1-800-273-8255
> 
> 1-800-273-8255

Toni awoke at 4:30 am to her phone buzzing.

Even through her sleepy haze, she was confused as to why Jughead was calling her this early.

“Hello?” She answered.

“Toni where’s Cheryl.”

Toni was startled to hear how panicked Jughead sounded through the phone.

Toni sat up quickly looking over to her side in the bed to find the area where Cheryl normally slept empty.

Toni swallowed nervously.

“Jughead why do you need to know where Cheryl is?”

“Toni is she with you or not?”

“No Jughead! Now please tell me what the hell is going on.”

“Betty received 34 texts from her and multiple phone calls and they were all super ominous and then my dad calls and tell me that they dragged a body out of sweet water river and they believe it might have been a suicide. It’s not exactly my place to tell you this if Cheryl hasn’t but she doesn’t exactly have the best track record with sweet water. Could you please just meet myself & Betty at sweet water?” Jughead rushed out.

His panic was beginning to rub off on Toni.

In a flurry of nerves and anxiety, Toni shoved her feet into a pair of flip flops and stumbled her way out of the house into her car.

She couldn’t even recall driving to Sweet water.

All she knew was that a few minutes later she was throwing her car into park and running towards the caution tape the police had wrapped around a tree.

Upon reaching the caution tape Toni was able to see a stretcher with a white sheet placed over what appeared to be a body.

Without even thinking about it she ducked beneath the caution tape and made her way over to the stretcher.

Before a police officer could tell her not to she pulled the sheet back and immediately dropped it once what she had seen settled in.

She could hear the distant voices of police officers telling her she wasn’t allowed to do that.

She wasn’t allowed to touch the body.

Their voices were too loud.

Not too loud however for the reality of the situation to settle.

Cheryl was gone.

Toni fell to the ground and clamped her hands over her ears in an attempt to get reality to shut up.

To stop screaming the vicious reality at her.

The body was her girlfriend.

A hand settles itself on her bicep to pull her away from the scene.

Her instinct was to instantly slap the hand away.

She needed to get to Cheryl.

That body was her girlfriend.

A hand again grabbed her bicep this time tugging her in the opposite direction of Cheryl.

Toni reacted immediately wrenching herself from their grip and attempted to bolt towards Cheryl.

She was once again pulled back from going where she needed to be.

“Get the hell off of me,” Toni screamed.

Toni was then pulled once more, this time however to face who she identified as F.P.

“Toni I need you to calm down please,” F.P said.

“You don’t understand that’s my girlfriend. They can’t keep me from seeing my girlfriend.” Toni said voice cracking.

“Toni that’s not a good idea right now. So please stay put. I’ll stay with you. We need to allow them to take her body away. You’ll be able to see her again later to identify the body but for now, stay with me.” He softly pleaded.

“It’s not fair. You don’t understand that’s my girlfriend.” Toni sobbed.

F.P seemed to give up on trying to talk to her and instead pulled her to his chest in a tight hug.

*************

Toni hadn’t left her house in 2 days since they had discovered Cheryl’s body.

Since the discovery of her body, Betty had allowed her to read the text messages that Cheryl had sent her some of them containing what seemed to be an apology to Toni.

As soon as she was allowed she had made her way down to the morgue to identify the body to say that this body was the body of Cheryl Blossom.

Her funeral was quickly approaching but Toni still felt as if she wasn’t really gone.

The fog was yet to disappear from her brain for the weight and reality of the situation sink in.

Toni had spent the last few days curled up on Cheryl's side of the bed.

She knew it was cliché and depressing but it made her feel closer to the girl who had been unfairly ripped from her.

She had spent the last few days barely eating, barely sleeping only doing so when she was forced to by Pea or fangs.

As selfish as it may be she knew her friends never would be able to understand how much it hurt.

They tried to sympathize and relate but they couldn’t.

They had never bared the same loss as she currently was.

Cheryl’s funeral was just as Toni was pretty sure Cheryl would have wanted it.

Everyone that had loved Cheryl was there and some who had merely admired her.

Her mother hadn’t shown up which Toni knew if Cheryl were still here would have broken her heart as much as she would have pretended it wouldn’t.

Many people came up to her at the funeral and expressed their sorrow for her loss.

All she could do was smile and nod.

She knew most of them were sorry that she had lost Cheryl.

But the forced smiles and forced “Tell me if you need anything.” For some reason seemed to make her angry and she needed to excuse herself midway through the calling hours to go take a break to just breathe.

She seemed to need those breaks more now than she ever had.

Toni dragged herself home from the funeral with a hallow heart.

Betty had wanted to come home with her to make sure that she was alright.

Toni knew it was just to make sure that she ate and would be able to get some sleep tonight.

Toni however politely declined.

She didn’t need Betty or anyone to feel sorry for her or feel the need to take care of her.

Toni knew it wasn’t a good idea to distance herself too much because it would just build everyone’s worry for her.

They should be able to see that there was no reason to worry about her or feel sorry for her.

She could handle this situation

Toni moved in with Betty and Jughead 8 months later on doctors’ orders.

Since she had no living relatives the mental hospital had dialled Betty and Jughead and told them her situation.

She wished she could explain to everyone that she wasn’t trying to kill herself.

She just wanted to sleep.

All she wanted was to get some rest from the constant voices & whispers.

****

Sometimes in public just seeing two people happy together made Toni miss Cheryl even more than normal.

When she saw a couple in public that was just so in love.

A part of her always thought “That’s what Cheryl & I had.”

She knew it was cruel but she wanted to tell them that love doesn’t last forever.

That someday one of them would leave and the other would be left all alone in the world.

All alone and lost to just wander the earth trying to find themselves and who they were without the other.

It would never their fault but some part of them would blame them and wish they had never left.

********

Toni had tried dating again.

Most wouldn’t believe her when she told people that but she had tried.

She wanted to just be able to hit reset and find another girl who could make her feel even half the things that Cheryl ignited in her.

No one could ever even hold a torch.

“So tell me about yourself.” The girl asked.

Toni always dreaded this question because somehow the conversation always steered towards her tragic loss of her girlfriend.

It was easier to escape the sorrow-filled stares in New York but somehow Cheryl always found her way into Toni’s conversations even in the dead.

“I’m majoring in photography, I’m originally from a small town called Riverdale and I’m a huge lover of reality Tv.”

The response was always phoney.

She had repeated it to so many different girls and even a few guys so many times it felt as if it wasn’t even the truth about her any more.

The reality of her life was that she wasn’t truly sure what the truth about herself or anything was.

As Toni watched the girl twirl a long lock of dark hair around her finger she wondered if this girl knew the truth about herself.

She wondered if this girl had ever suffered a loss so painful it felt as if she was wading through life waiting and hoping she’d reach the shallows of the water soon.

When life seemed to become too much for her to handle she’d turn to Cheryl’s poetry for comfort.

The words and rhymes somehow would always manage to soothe her nerves and make her feel as if Cheryl was still there with her.

Cheryl had always had a way with words even into her twenties and had proven to even in death.

The text she had written to Betty but was really meant for Toni’s eyes had been sloppily thrown together but still had the usual feel of Cheryl’s voice in it.

Thinking about it made Toni want to cry.

She wished she had known how much pain Cheryl was in.

She wished she knew how much Cheryl had been hiding inside, how much she was afraid to reveal about herself.

Sometimes Toni found herself hiding how much pain she was in.

She’d find herself keeping secrets about her true feelings from her friends and then the harsh reality of what that dark hole had done to Cheryl would hit her and she’d feel as if she was going to explode with emotions.

********

Toni was happy.

Sometimes she felt guilty for being happy because she always felt as if the happiness stemmed from the gorgeous redhead she had been with for 7 years before she took her own life.

Yes, her happiness had come from Cheryl and nothing would ever take away from that happiness.

But Toni felt it was vital to keep that happiness separate from other happiness she felt because if she felt herself sinking too far into that happiness it’d make her feel as if she was being strangled.

She loved Cheryl and drew happiness from Cheryl and that would never go away.

********

Holidays and anniversaries never got easier.

People said with time things would heal but that never seemed to be the case for Toni.

Every single Christmas, Easter, New year’s or Valentine’s day since Cheryl had been gone there wasn’t a single one where she didn’t think about Cheryl.

A holiday never went by where she didn’t think about the wonderful moments they’d spend together.

The laughter, glances and soft touches they’d always shared.

They always were more real in her head than they had been in real life.

********

Sometimes Cheryl would come to her in her dreams.

Most of the time Toni would blame it on her losing her mind but she knew she wasn’t.

When Toni would let herself spiral she’d think to herself that Cheryl was visiting her to give her a sign that she was alright.

Toni didn’t have to hurt forever.

Toni didn’t need to feel any guilt about what Cheryl had done because Cheryl was the one who had done it not Toni and there was no reason to feel as if it was her fault in any way.

Sometimes it felt as if Cheryl was telling her there was nothing she could have done to change events.

Some things were just out of Toni’s control and that was not her fault at all.

********

The memory of the night Cheryl ended her life would always remain fresh in her mind and even with time it would never wash away.

Most memories come and go and eventually, she’d forget most things but she was certain she’d never forget that night.

_“I love you so much T-T please don’t ever forget that.” Cheryl had said._

_“I love you too.” _

_“Can you promise me something?” Cheryl had asked._

_“Anything.”_

_“If there comes a day where I’m not here anymore do you promise to move on. Find happiness again, move on from me, take the love you give to me and give it to someone else. I need you to promise to move on from me.” _

_Toni had merely laughed in confusion at her sudden statement._

_“Don’t be so morbid baby that time won’t come anytime soon.” Toni had said._

Toni wished she had seen the signs before it was too late.

She wished she had been able to see that Cheryl was trying to give Toni a message on how to live without her.

Toni wished she could tell Cheryl that she didn’t want to live without her.

She wanted her in her life forever and always.

********

Toni would hear Cheryl’s voice distantly in wind chimes sometimes.

It made her feel as if she was losing her mind but somehow managed to soothe her.

Just like with her dreams it felt as if Cheryl was still there telling her it was alright.

There wasn’t any reason to regret anything that had happened because she couldn’t change what had already happened.

When she laid in bed at night and listened to the wind blow through the chimes it felt as if she could almost hear Cheryl whispering,

“I love you.”

When Toni couldn’t sleep she’d think back to high school when life still felt right.

When it still felt like her world wasn’t crooked and curved.

She’d think back to her and Cheryl’s first kiss, the first date when they moved in together but most of all she thought about their discussions of their future together.

A future that was never coming.

_“Hey, Toni?”_

_Toni looked up from her book quirking an eyebrow to tell Cheryl to go ahead._

_“This may seem random but do you see a future with me? Can you picture us getting married or having kids and all that cheesy shit?”_

_Toni set down her book and walked across the room to where Cheryl was sitting at her vanity. She pushed Cheryl’s hair off her shoulder and placed a gentle kiss on her earlobe._

_“I see us on the beach getting married, 2 years later we find out you're pregnant. Soon after we find out its twins and neither of us could have been happier about it. Nothing can steal our happiness not even your vile mother.” Toni whispered in her ear._

_Toni watched in the mirror as Cheryl visibly swallowed._

_“I didn’t know you thought so far ahead,” Cheryl said with a breathy laugh._

_“When it comes to you baby all I can think about is our future together.”_

_********_

Toni never got with anyone else.

It wasn’t that she felt she wasn’t allowed to be loved or to be in love.

She had the most wonderful 7 years of her life with the girl of her dreams and she knew there was no one else out there that could ever make her nearly as happy as Cheryl had.

No matter how long Cheryl was gone for it always hurt.

She’d see a redhead in public and instantly think of the beautiful redhead she had lost all those years ago.

The feeling of the loss, however, would always remain fresh in her mind.

All of those awful feelings she would never wish on anyone else.

Sometimes Toni liked to trick herself into believing that Cheryl was still alive.

Pretend as if she wasn’t even gone at all.

As if nothing had ever gone wrong.

Like everything was perfect.

Like Cheryl was still in her life.

Still with her.

Toni knew however in all reality that Cheryl was gone.

Toni didn’t like thinking too hard about death.

It made her spiral and her therapist had heavily suggested against allowing her mind to wander to that place.

When she thought about it though it wasn’t always negative.

She sometimes thought of the day she would come to die.

It didn’t seem bleak to her, she wasn’t in any rush to die.

Toni knew she still had a whole life to live but her outlook on death had changed since she had lost Cheryl.

Toni knew in her heart that when the day of her last breath did come Cheryl would be there to greet her with that signature smile.

She’d grab her hand, kiss her mouth and welcome her once again into her life.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! Soooo i dissapeared for a month and a half with no explanation and I know most of you don't care butttttt im going to give you all an explanation anyways.
> 
> Essentially since I posted my last fanfiction life got really stressful really fast.
> 
> 1.My sister moved out to go to college (this made me really sad because she's literally my best friend)
> 
> 2\. I started Junior year (Hell yeah baby only 1 year left after this!)
> 
> 3\. I started taking chemistry in school (No further explanation should be needed.)
> 
> 4\. I got a job!!! (working at a restaurant where people think they have an excuse to treat me like shit! :P)
> 
> 5\. Writer's block (Yes it sucks but I havent wrote anything since July so i pulled this fic out from the pits of my flash drive)
> 
> 6\. My sweet little black lab/malamute pupper ate carpet and was really sick for about a weak and half (it literally broke my heart to see her so lethargic and out of it :( )
> 
> Anywho, that's about all from now going forward i'm going to try to get some fics up at least once a month (hopefully more but i suck so prob no more than twice a month) my writer's block hopefully will go away after season 4 comes out!!!
> 
> Anywho, (Once again lmaoooo) thank you to everyone who reads, comments & leaves kudos it honestly makes my day <3 
> 
> [My tumblr](http://www.harryisqu33n.tumblr.com)


End file.
